Filling one in takes twenty minutes. Getting something out of it depends on four decisions made before you start and one conversation afterwards that most pairs skip.
A yes/no/maybe list is one person’s attitude to each activity, written down before anyone has to say it out loud. It replaces so, what are you into? — a question almost nobody answers well in real time.
The version on this site covers 78 topics, saves only in your own browser, and prints.
Two minutes of ground rules decide whether the answers are honest. Every one of these fails quietly rather than loudly — you find out months later, from a scene that did not work.
Steps one and two are done alone. Everything after that needs both people and a time when neither is about to leave.
First pass: go fast, first instinct, no thinking about what a partner would want to see. Second pass: return only to what you marked Maybe. The gut answer is the honest one; the considered answer is the useful one, and doing both in one go produces neither.
If an item makes you tense, that is information. Mark it and keep moving — the second pass is where it gets a sentence.
A bare Maybe hands a partner a guessing game. Write what would have to be true, what you would want to try first, and what would turn it into a No. Three clauses, on the items that matter to you — not on all of them.
Custom items exist for exactly this. Add the specific version you actually mean rather than stretching a general one.
Exchange finished lists — printed, exported, or on a screen you each hold. Read in silence, all the way through, before saying anything. The first reaction to someone else’s list is almost never the one worth voicing.
You are allowed to share only part of a list. Sharing your Yes and Maybe answers while keeping the rest is a complete, honest exchange.
Pick three things you both marked Yes and one Maybe worth talking about. That is the whole agenda. A list of forty overlapping items is a way of avoiding a conversation about any of them.
One item, one scene. Combining three new things means you cannot tell which one went wrong.
Three months is a reasonable default, and sooner after anything significant: a new partner, an injury, a scene that went badly, or a Maybe that became a Yes. Answers drift, and the drift is the interesting part.
Keep the old export. Comparing two versions six months apart says more than either one alone.
Most lists are half Maybe, and a bare Maybe is nearly useless to the person reading it. Three clauses fix it: what would have to be true, what you would try first, and what would make it a No.
Maybe — impact play
Maybe — hand and flat leather only, nothing that leaves marks on my arms, and I want to start under ten minutes. It becomes a No if I cannot see who is holding it.
Maybe — rope
Maybe — floor work only, nothing on my wrists, and only with someone who has done it before. Suspension is a hard limit for now.
Maybe — being called names
Maybe — about being useless at a task, yes. About my body or my job, no. Check in with me halfway the first time we try it.
Hard limits work the same way but shorter — see writing a limit in four parts.
Handing over a list is a bigger thing than filling one in. How the first five minutes go decides whether the second version is honest.
Do not ask “why is that a No?”
Ask nothing. If they want to explain, they will. A reason is not owed and asking for one implies the answer is provisional.
Do not treat a blank as a soft yes
Ask whether they want more information about it, and accept a no to that question too.
Do not go looking for the gap
Read your own overlap first. Starting with what is missing sets the tone for everything that follows.
Do not negotiate on the spot
Ask “what would a yes here look like for you?” — an open question about their conditions, not a request to move.
Do not keep a copy they did not offer
Screenshots outlive relationships. Read it, talk about it, and let them keep their own file.
All five are common, and none of them look like a mistake at the time.
| Mistake | Why it backfires | Instead |
|---|---|---|
| Filling it in together | One person answers; the other calibrates to them in real time. | Separate rooms, same evening. Compare after. |
| Treating overlap as consent | A Yes on a list is about the activity in general, not about tonight, with this mood and this body. | Negotiate the specific scene anyway, every time. |
| Revisiting the same Maybe repeatedly | Repeated asking is pressure, no matter how politely each individual ask is phrased. | They raise it, or it waits for the review date. |
| Answering as the person you want to be | You end up agreeing to a scene built for someone else, then wondering why it did not land. | Answer for the next few months, not for an aspiration. |
| Doing it once and never again | A two-year-old list gets quoted back at a person who has changed since. | Redo it before it gets cited as though it were current. |
A list is not a couples exercise that a single person is borrowing. Alone, it does the thing it is actually best at: giving names to preferences you had no vocabulary for, and separating I don’t want this from I have never tried this.
Two things help. Read the definitions rather than guessing from the label — a lot of No answers are really answers to a mental picture. And keep the export, so the next version has something to be compared against.
Answers stay in this browser’s local storage. They are not uploaded, not written into the URL, and not included in analytics — but anyone using the same browser profile can open the page and read them.
Full detail in the privacy policy.
A list of activities where each person marks their own attitude to each one — yes, maybe, no, hard limit, or haven’t tried. It is a preparation tool for a conversation about interests and boundaries, and it works for one person on their own as well as for a couple.
Each person fills in their own list separately, then you swap finished lists and read them through in silence before discussing anything. Start with what you both marked yes, ask about the conditions behind a maybe, and leave every no alone. Choose one thing to try rather than planning several at once.
No. A list answer describes an activity in the abstract. Consent is specific to the people, the moment, the intensity, the risks, and the current situation, and anyone can change their mind before or during. The list tells you what is worth negotiating, not what has been agreed.
That is a real answer and a useful one to have early. Some pairs find plenty outside the overlap — sensation, roles, or atmosphere rather than specific acts. Compromise on a no is not one of the options, and a small overlap honestly stated is better than a large one produced by guessing what the other person wanted.
Yes, and it is easier without an audience. You end up with vocabulary for things you had no words for, a written record of your own limits, and something to hand a future partner instead of improvising the whole conversation from scratch.
These informed the page. Open the originals for their full context, current guidance, and legal caveats.
A filled-in list says what is worth negotiating. These three cover what happens once you do.
Name a boundary so it survives the moment, and recognise the phrases used to move one.
Choose a word that works under stress, agree a signal without speech, and plan the first two minutes after it.
Build an aftercare card before you need it, and know which symptoms mean medical help instead.
Filter by category, add your own items, hide the ones that do not apply, and export a copy when you are ready to hand it over.